I have decided to fail. Yes fail you heard correct, this is all about me aiming low. Please don’t try and stop me. I don’t want you to be one of these people who tell me“think positive” “but your really good” “ahh don’t be silly your so talented” Because It is not true.
If you could take one look around my shiny new build one bed room apartment you would soon see the error of your ways. Although the surfaces maybe slightly above average in cleanliness, and the carpet recently vacuumed. Don’t be fooled, first of all I knew you were coming over, and I can hoover (actually it’s a Dyson but I can hoover) at a very quick rate when it really needs to be done.It is all just surface clean. Surface clean is of course what the untrained eye perceives as clean & tidy. But don’t be fooled.If you were to be rude enough to pry into my desk draws or open my hallway cupboard you will discover that I have a very very dark secret. Clutter. Unorganized, messy and newspaper clippings, a name badge from a conference I attended three years ago, power cables for mobile phones I know longer own. high heels, boots, mules trainers, slippers, wedges, platforms, sneakers, pumps, and a pair of shoes. All just hiding in the dark plaguing my subconscious. Constantly making me feel guilt. Guilt that that I am not the better person, some fools may see me to be.
A better person would tackle the issue. Instead of complain about it. A better person would wash the clothes at the bottom of the laundry basket even if they are very rarely worn. A better person would learn to play that guitar instead of leaving it to gather dust. A better person would make a start on that “learn Spanish at home course” volver a empezar por favor. A better person would finish that animated short film, that has been sitting on the computer hard drive since 2007. A better person would read books at the same rate of which she buys the books. A better person would not lie in bed alone at night listening to the sound of her own biological clock ticking. You may be mistaken at this point to think that I have always wanted to be a failure. But that couldn’t be more further from the truth. In fact I think there was a time in my life where things came easier to me, I could fight for success and if I failed it was only a hurled to overcome and not a brick wall to bang up against.
There was no major event that changed me to be the way I am today. With age I developed a fear of failure and a acute desire for perfection. Leaving anything I attempt doomed to not live up to my high standards. Gone are the days when creative ambitions were fun, when it was all about the enjoyable process and not the end goal. Instead I have found myself flickering from one new creative endevour to the next, I have made attempts at being a musician, screen writer, DJ, animator, singer, journalist, stand up comedian, radio presenter, and most recently a magician.
It would feel that the only thing I have managed to finish over the past seven years has been my relationships. I started reading Malcolm Gladwells book Outliners in 2008, of course I never finished it, however there was one piece of information that is cemented in my brain. That sits there and tortures me. Its called the 10, 000 hour rule.
The 10,000 hour rule is simple. It states the key to success is, to a large extent, a matter of practicing a specific task for a total of around 10,000 hours. Ten thousand hours…. I have to work? I have a mortgage to pay? And hungry cats to feed.. I have to go to work! I don’t enjoy my work anymore but I have to put in the forty hours a week because society is built that way! The reality is I could spare maybe two hours each day towards succeeding .If I was to do this every day, without a day off for one whole year I would only have clocked a mere 730 hours. Which means to be a success at something I would need 13.69863 years of giving it 2 hours a day. No Easter bank holiday, No time off at Christmas, No New years day lying in bed nursing a hang over. Not If I want to be a success.
On top of this how am I meant to decided which creative endeavor I am going to dedicate the next thirteen odd years of my life too? The whole concept is just over whelming and on top of that I would have to cringe at all my failures for the next 13.69863 years. That would be soul destroying.. The only option a sensible person would take would be to declare themselves a failure, a failure that is going to do things and fail.