I had a bit of a cry today when I hear the very sad news that David Rathband had committed suicide. He was such a strong man and even after he lost his sight he gave so much and achieved a lot. Suicide is something I can not accept. I feel a lot of regret that he felt the world let him down.
Suicide and depression has formed who I am today. An incident that happened to me when I was five years old means that I am still tackling with my emotions around other peoples sadness and how I can fix the problems in other peoples lives.
I have had some terrible relationships with people because of this. I have had friends who have simply used me and abused me. And I have acted like a low self esteem door mat. I have had many romantic relationships where I am paying for things, both physically and mentally and not had my own emotional needs met. I have simply fitted the archetype of the: Women Who Love Too Much
Here are some of the behaviors I relate/related too.
- Typically, you come from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met.
- You are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such “nice” men boring.
- Having received little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to men who appear in some way needy.
- Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) you longed for, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable man whom you can again try to change through your love
- In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be than with the reality of your situation.
- Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please.
- By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself.
Now because I am aware of this doesn’t make my relationships easier and right now I feel very confused, by feelings of wanting to help someone who has been more than a friend to me, but less than a partner.
I am really wondering if I can right my wrongs by helping without giving. Keeping myself safe but still caring and sharing my knowledge?
I have recently become very interested in Social Business and Social entrepreneurship. I believe that charity is not always the best thing for helping people. The problem with giving people money , food, and shelter is it is not sustainable. The person is learning to be reliant on others for survival, rather than self sufficient themselves.
So does this model translate on a personal one on one level? Or does the risk of getting emotionally involved with someone put me in a vulnerable position to be used up and spat out?
I suppose I have to ask myself what are my true motives behind helping someone? and have they asked for help or am I wanting to help them to control them?
Relationships are all about energy and a good relationship is balanced.
I also recently have been doing reading on feminine and masculine energy and how these roles are important in relationships. I found this article that I found very interesting that says :
A high self esteem woman could immediately lose her love and interest in an adult male if he lets her nurture him too much. Her nurturing is made for kids and individuals who are weak and sick not for her big man.
When I think about this statement I know that I have come a long way with my self esteem as I now want a man that is chivalrous and charming and could care for me and a child if needed.
I would be interested to hear your opinions on helping friends/lovers in need. And if you have ever had experiences where you feel drained by someone emotional. Or if you have helped someone without being drained.